Chapter 7
Broken Relationships
Morley begins Chapter 7 discussing the way in which we can be drawn into shallow relationships because we think that they may bring us financial gain. The problem is that these types of relationships may substitute for substantive relationships God. If God has called me to relationships in my family and the Church then I could be distracted if I’m spending too much time in a professional or recreational organization.
Men often don’t focus well on relationships. That is why we sometimes do the “deer in the headlights” impression when someone who is more relationship oriented (like your wife) has a strong negative reaction to our ignorance. Being ignorant and unaware of it is a dangerous way to function in your family.
Morley points out that we (men) are often more task oriented. We can find work and hobbies to be a refuge with clear goals. Developing relationships can be an open ended. Developing milestones and measures of progress with performance targets is not really what relationships are all about.
Relationships are fundamental to your relationship with God. In the first century AD it was a normal process for someone who had no children to adopt a son of good character so they could become an heir and perpetuate the family name. The remarkable thing about us is that God, by grace, adopts us with our bad character to become a “joint heir with Christ” (Romans 8:17).
Our justification by the blood of Christ makes a way for our adoption. If you have received Christ then you are adopted. And can you be “un-adopted”? What is your memory scripture for this week? Romans 8:38-39 makes it clear that you are in a relationship with God that you can trust.
He will keep you as the apple of His eye (Psalm 17:8). That would be the central part of the eye and not (as common modern usage) something we particularly like the look of. In other words the likelihood of someone violating God’s will in your life is roughly equivalent to them poking God in the eye. It simply isn’t going to happen. He will not let it happen.
God changes our moral nature by regeneration but then adoption results in a new relationship. God wants His children whom He loves to have His character. Regeneration, adoption, and sanctification are all God’s actions in our lives to make us over in His image giving us new life.
The natural outpouring of God working in our lives is that our behavior, as our sanctification increases will change the way we view and treat others in our family, the body of Christ, and the world at large.
Francis Schaeffer gets at the importance of this in our lives. He makes the connection back to God and points out that even as sinners saved by Grace we are able to grasp certain truths about God because of our relationships ...
“And when I talk about love existing in the Trinity before creation, I am not talking gibberish. Though I am very far from plumbing its depths when applied to God Himself, yet the word love and the reality of love when Christ spoke of the Father loving Him before the foundation of the world, has true meaning for me … The validity and meaning of love rest upon the reality that love exists between the Father and Son in the Trinity. When I say I love, instead of this being a nonsense word, it has meaning. It is rooted in what has always been in the personal relationship existing in the Trinity before the universe was created. Man’s love is not a product of chance that has no fulfillment in what has always been.” (Francis Schaeffer – A Christian Worldview; Chapter 2 Verifiable Facts and Knowing)This is the positive aspect of living as men on the earth. We have a basis for understanding our Creator. However, as fallen creatures we have some problems entering into the fullness of what God has for us in relationships. In fact, in what may be a bit of our cowboy nature coming out, we can see people accept Christ as Savior as an individual thing. We forget about the corporate relationships into which we enter as we enter the Body of Christ. Once again, while it may be brief, our fellowships use of Body Life Journey is a stab at preventing that error.
Schaffer makes a good point about the way our sin nature broke relationships in every direction. He says:
When man fell, various divisions took place. The first and basic division is between man who has revolted and God. All other divisions flow from that. We are separated from God by our guilt — true moral guilt. Hence we need to be justified upon the basis of the finished substitutionary work of the Lord Jesus Christ. Yet it is quite plain from the Scriptures and from general observation that the separations did not stop with the separation of man from God. For, secondly, man was separated from himself. This gives rise to the psychological problems of life. Thirdly, man was separated from other men, leading to the sociological problems of life. Fourthly, man was separated from nature.The man whose rebellion results in him denying God must substitute something to give meaning to life. That is artificial and you can’t really get to the chief end of man (to Glorify God and enjoy Him forever) from that position. Relationships with other men are impacted causing all sorts of sociological problems. And our stewardship responsibilities are not received. I’d suggest Vigen Guroian’s Inheriting Paradise if you’d like a meditation on that topic.
Biblically, I think if you want to meditate on relationships then you may find it profitable to focus on Samson (Judges 13-16) for the negative and Jonathan (King David’s friend; 1 Samuel 16-31; esp. Chapter 20) for the positive. Samson lived his life without developing relationships and it creating problems repeatedly in his life. Jonathan on the other hand was a remarkable individual who valued God and right relationships with others throughout his life.
Chapter 8
Children: How to Avoid Regrets
While studying the life of C.S. Lewis I was really struck by how tragic the death of his mother was. He was 10 and it was a common practice to send your child to a boarding school. He was sent to boarding school with a certifiable loon. The teacher was fairly fond of Lewis so it wasn’t as horrible for him as some others but Lewis left in a couple of years after the school closed down due to lack of students and the instructor died a couple years later in an asylum.
C.S. Lewis’ father had difficulty handling the death of his wife and his two sons so he sent them to boy’s schools each year. Since C.S. Lewis went on faculty at Oxford he really lived his life in the company of men. He had so little experience of healthy relationships between men and women that only late in life after his salvation did he find some balance.
I was watching a show on fly fishing a few days ago. They were fly fishing in New Mexico on the San Juan river. San Juan being St. John who had the time to lean back against Jesus every chance he got. The show revolved around a guy name Mike Mora who loves fly fishing and knew the details of bugs and fish needed to be very successful. The striking thing about the show was the way he and his sons and his dad fished together. The tied ties together and then went out on a snowy day to wade in the river and fish. One boy was with the father and one was with the grandfather. The father focused on teaching and encouraging his kids. I’m not sure I remember him actually fishing but his kids were pulling them in. He certainly modeled that attitudes needed to nurture boys. I certainly enjoyed the times I took my son fishing but I don’t think I realized how important those times were at the time.
I was reading a article in “The Tie” with the title, Show Yourself a Man by R.L. Stinson. The Tie is the Southern Seminary Magazine (Winter 2005, Volume 75 Number 3). Stinson has a list of challenges for us as men as we lead ourselves and our households. He says we need to communicate the following:
1) Vision: This is where we are going,
2) Direction: This is how we get there,
3) Instruction: Let me show you how,
4) Imitation: Watch me,
5) Inspiration: Isn’t this great (of your family),
6) Affirmation: You’re doing great (of individuals),
7) Evaluation: How are we doing? and
8) Correction: Let’s make a change.
Stinson makes the point that evaluation is a real challenge for us. We (men) don’t think we really need to do it. We tend to figure we have it all good enough and we think more highly of ourselves that we should. If you are going to lead your family then you need to keep a critical eye on the way you prioritize all the resources you have control of and especially your time and behavior.
Making needed corrections is something that we are charged with as well. Sometimes it will only involve you and sometimes it will involve the rest of your family. You are a servant leader but you still need to provide leadership.
Piper draws from Romans 12 to indicate the key points of the character that we need to model as we seek to fulfill our roles in the Body of Christ. These traits are critical for our relationships with family but are also fundamental to functioning in the Body of Christ.
Verse 9 – No hypocrisy, generated by mercy in our fellowship
You can’t fool your family. Show mercy to them and ask for mercy from them. You’ll fail miserably if you try to fake it at home. Even young children can see a hypocrite. Dobson said that “Values are not taught to our children; they are caught by them” so if you are a fake they’ll know.
Verse 10 – Growing affection and honor
You express affection and show respect within your family in obedience to God. Even to the little ones. When Mora was teaching trout fishing to his young son he was just as polite and showed him just as much respect as I could hope for any adult to show me as he taught me something. This is not just a “son” thing either, your daughter needs to see how you honor her and love her.
Verse 13 – Meeting needs and being hospitable
I’m really bad about ignoring others around me at home. Can you remember to include your children when you go to get a snack? It is more natural for women to think about relationships when they are getting chips and salsa but that doesn’t mean it is impossible for us.
Verse 14 – Returning good for evil
Now if you want to shock your kids then respond in an opposite spirit when they are rude and short with you. I’m not saying to avoid correcting your children. I’m just saying to correct your children without anger and in a spirit of love.
Morley says that microphones in an experiment showed that fathers were spending 37 seconds a day with their 1-year old children. Life is a busy thing but we need to fight for more time and engage when we are with our parents. We cared for a family once as the father had a meltdown. His kids were very “engaging” but he could be present in the room without engaging his kids. He would come for a visit and you’d wonder why bother? He had a little girl at about 5 who would just crawl up on your lap with a book or ask you to play Barbies and I would. Three out of four had given up on him and the fourth was too small to know. He had a real uphill battle and he stumbled uphill a little but not a whole bunch. His kids today are testimonies to the Grace of God.
One tremendous challenge and opportunity that is presented to us with our children is to lift them up before God in prayer. It is a challenge because we’ll be tempted to forget or be slack in the pursuit of prayer. Pray for your children. Pray the prayers for them that Paul prayed in the epistles.
A prayer that I wish I could remember to pray everyday for my children is that God would bless them with the Grace that He has blessed me with. That undeserved blessing from God is the greatest gift they could ever receive.
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