MiM - Lesson 5

Man in the Mirror (p. 129-160)

Chapter 9
Wives: How to Be Happily Married

Morley begins Chapter 9 with a quote from Martin Luther who said, “Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave.” That is a remarkably sensible statement from a man who, as Lewis told us, passed gas at the devil.

The problem in most marriages identified by Morley is a fundamental lack of communication. I’m surprised that Morley didn’t identify the surpassing skill in pressing each others buttons as another key problem. The communication is sometimes poor as a result of exhaustion in pressing each others buttons and dealing with the resulting strife. In any case the problem is the same since you have 2 people who must communicate and will naturally have different views.

It is odd the Morley quotes Freud whose interaction with women would generously be called malpractice. Freud suffered from misogyny or hatred of women in a way the affected him deeply. I guess I’d like to leave even Freud’s ignorance out of the discussion.

Our need for respect as men can drive us to attempt to obtain it by force. Deference obtained by force can feed our sin nature but not our redeemed nature. There is no satisfaction for our redeemed nature when a wife defers to us because we bullied our way to that point and this principle holds even beyond the husband-wife relationship. When we, WHEN I, feel satisfaction that I’ve won and my wife will do what I want because of force (either psychological or physical) then we (I) need to realize that satisfaction is of my sin nature and not my redeemed nature. If I’m paying attention then the Holy Spirit will let me know that.

Friday was Ground Hog Day and, as is our custom, Pat and I watched “Ground Hog Day” again. If you are not familiar with the movie the lead character (played by Bill Murray) is stuck in the same day (Ground Hog Day) over and over as a weatherman covering the ground hog celebration in Punxsutawney Pennsylvania. It isn’t clear exactly how long he spends reliving Ground Hog Day but it would be hundreds of days at least. Bill Murray’s character moves from a self centered wretch to a person who serves. Not quickly or without pain but he moves. He also moves from being despised by the female lead in the movie to someone who is so respected that she buys him at a charity auction so she can spend time with him. Each day the clock radio starts with the Sonny and Cher singing what God would say to him “Put your little hand in mine there ain’t no hill or mountain we can’t climb. I got you babe.” It might be a good school for us if God would do that for us and stick us in a day circling Mt. Zion until learned our lessons. But like the Israelites we can spend a lifetime in an 8 day journey.

We do crave respect from our wives and it can be withheld in attempts to manipulate behavior. It isn’t fair or right or even ultimately rewarding for a woman to do that but they have sin natures too (Ephesians 5:33). Men must find their security in God and walk out in our lives what can be a very difficult process as strengthened and led by the Holy Spirit. Our wives are called upon by God to let us lead. We need to lead with their respect. Our call is to live as a servant leader in our home. I think we find a tremendous peace when we realize that we only need to be a servant leader and not a police force. What I mean is that we are free from policing our wives fidelity to scripture. We are not free from encouraging it and facilitating it and modeling it. We are free from policing or enforcing it. That is freedom. If you think you have to enforce your wife’s fidelity to scripture so that she'll allow you to lead then you’re going to have years of frustration. If you let it be God’s problem (as much as possible) then you’ll be less frustrated and your wife will be free to grow in Grace.

Morley takes us back to Agape love in his discussion on page 133. He stresses the importance of the volitional aspects of Agape rather than the emotional aspects. Agape love is volitional or driven by our wills. As Morley states, “Biblical love is a decision and not a feeling.” This isn’t said to belittle the place of feelings but simply to put the emphasis where it needs to be so that you can walk in the way God calls you to walk. The world has come to the point in which, “well we fell out of love” is a sensible reason to end a marriage when they took an oath to be married “till death do us part”. I think the real reason most people still say “till death do us part” is because it sounds more romantic than “as long as I feel like it”.

Morley uses Ephesians 5:22-25 to develop 4 boxes describing various marriages with wives either submitting or resisting and husbands either loving or hating. Loving and submitting is the Ozzie and Harriet marriage while hating and resisting are the Ewings from Dallas. Hating and submitting are the Bunkers from All in the Family and loving and resisting are the Lockhorns of the comic pages. His cultural references are pretty dated but the points are good. I think the secret is to walk the walk that God has called you too and the Holy Spirit has enabled you for as a servant leader. Then you’ll naturally pray for your wife and as God works in her life and the Holy Spirit enables her then she’ll respect your leadership. That being said, the details are generally messy and we would still benefit from 1000 Ground Hog Days.

Although self centeredness is the root problem … Morley identifies sex, money, and communication as key manifestations of our selfishness. Sex is a presumed to be as essential as food in our society. Men and women approach it differently and you would do well to pay attention to how your wife approaches it. The opposite is also true but I’m speaking to men. Money is also a fundamental source of marital stress and self shows up here in different objectives and values. Communication is an issue unto itself and also is fundamental to the problems that look like sex and money problems. If men can look for “tells” in opponents at a poker game then they can look for “tells” that they are ticking their wife off and/or provoking their children to anger. We claim inability when, in fact, it is simply a lack of inclination and attention. I’m right handed but I still use my left arm. Try the 16 questions on pages 144 and 145.

Chapter 10
Friends: Risks and Rewards

Morley holds up the example of Jonathan and David. That is a tremendous example of friendship. The most remarkable member of that team is Jonathan. I suggested that you look at these two guys as an example in the relationship chapter and meditating on the relevant portions of scripture would benefit us all.

I think the fundamental importance of friendships is something that shares a characteristic with something we talked about last week in regard to our children. That thing is our frequent mistakes in the way we value our time. In hindsight we see the value of time spent with our kids doing “nothing” and we also see the value of time spent with our friends in hindsight. I spent a night on the Appalachian Trial with a friend from Raleigh. It seemed like a very difficult thing to pull off at the time. The apparent costs in time off from work and hours away from Raleigh seemed big. I value that trip in hindsight most highly. It was a precious time. Another trip for a white water rafting trip on the Chatooga was grossly undervalued at the time for me. I felt guilty about taking the time off to do that. Pictures from these things are on my desk at work and now I wonder why it seemed difficult at the time.

The process of developing friends is partly complicated by the way we live. When I was first out of school I worked for a landscaping company and we were all Christians. There were only 5 of us. We were a small company. That put us together all day every day because we went to church together and we also tended to hang out together. In fact, don’t tell anyone, but I lived on a “Christian Commune”. Well it wasn’t exactly a commune. We paid rent and everyone there was a Christian. It was more of a very exclusive trailer park. I could show up on the doorstep of some of these folks today and say, “I’m broke and I need a place to stay” and I know they would take me in. This life style made friendships easy and deep. My point is that we know we have an up hill battle so we should plan to work around it.

When you guys contact each other during the week or share a meal or shoot something together – even if you shoot the symbol of the Holy Spirit – it is an important thing. It isn’t just the contact to count in a contest that is over, or a meal, or shooting something but you’ll find that the relationships developed last and are valued in the long term.

Back in my “Jesus Freak” days we would have “Love Feasts”. This was based on a reference in the book of Jude to “Love Feasts”. I remember the pastor at the time was just tired of calling them “pot luck”. He would say, “Pot? Luck? What have they got to do with it? It did stress the importance of a sharing of Agape love in the meal. The focus was not on eating but rather on the fellowship aspects. In addition, the fellowship we are called to is “kononia” in the Greek. Scripture uses it in special ways.

It characterized the early church’s meals together (Acts 2:42). It characterized donations (Rom 15:26; 2 Cor 8:4 & 9:13). It characterizes our relationship with Christ (1 Cor 1:9) and the Holy Spirit (2 Cor 13:14) and the word was used to represent what happens to us in communion (1 Cor 10:16). It is what we shouldn’t try to have in a relationship with non-believers (2 Cor 6:14) except with regard to evangelism (Philem 6) and that we should have with the sufferings of Christ (Phil 3:10). The Apostle John said that he shared the Gospel so that you could have it with the Church and truly with the Father and the Son (1 John 1:3). John said you couldn’t really have it with Him (God) and still walk in darkness (1 John 1:6) but he went on to say that if we walk in the light as He is in the light, then we have koinonia with one another and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin (1 John 1:7).

God calls us to this kind of “fellowship”. We’ve often made it less important in our lives than God intends. We don’t value it as highly as Scripture indicates it should be. The Holy Spirit is what makes koinonia but if we aren’t present then how is it going to happen? If we pass on the opportunities we are presented then how will this develop. We know that we have some cultural barriers to overcome but they are not so high that it can’t happen. We need to value what God values and, in reality, what we’ll value in the long run.